There are a lot of stupid fucking commercials that appeal to a low common denominator: guilt for lacking a sense of humor. Stop already with the wackiness. Jesus fucking christ. I was with my sister the other day at fuckmart and she said she had to get some underwear for her husband. She asked me if I had seen the commercial where Cuba Gooding Jr. shouts at Michael Jordan “hey, I’m wearing your underwear.” I said yeah. I had. Not because it was really my choice. I have the tv on while I work. I never actually sit in front of the tv and give it my complete undivided attention. She said she couldn’t remember what kind they were. I had to admit ignorance myself. We didn’t buy any underwear because Jordan’s face wasn’t to be seen on any packaging. Hey, but that sure was a wacky commercial, eh chief? If I want to watch stupid comedy I’ll watch Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock spout there stupid racist horseshit. Their stupidity leaves me in stitches.

But the dumbest commercial of all time is the one about the California cows. “Great milk comes from happy cows. Happy cows come from California. Make sure it comes from California.” What, do farmers hire life coaches or new age gurus for their cows in California? Perhaps the new age idiots have won the cows over by reading them the Bhagavad Gita. I picture a herd of cows being led into the milk house and there is a hippie with a vapid look on his face giving them each a flower.

Then again, perhaps there is some logic to this. I remember seeing a newspaper poll that indicated around half the children in New York City public schools believed that chocolate milk came from brown cows. I’m just not sure what the target audience is for this commercial. Children? Hey mom, make sure you buy the California cow milk. I want to eat happy cereal today. Okay, junior. Good call. I noticed you getting a little cranky lately. Must be all that midwest milk you’ve been drinking.

Maybe the commercial is a call to all cows in the midwest to protest their collective roundups and march to California. Did you hear Martha is going to California? What is that? Not what, where. Where is California? I’m not sure. I was sleeping that day in the barnyard when we were taught geography. No, they put something in your feed to make you sleep so you wouldn’t learn. I think it’s a conspiracy to keep the milk cow ignorant of the fact there is a better life waiting for them somewhere else.